(October 26th, 1998) Hello again. I felt the urge to write, so here I am, again displaying my thoughts of asperity and antipathy. Yeah yeah, so I'm in one of my negative moods again, but hell--you would be too if the guy who accused you of unspeakable things FINALLY emailed you after five months of silent torment. Sigh. The thing that urks me is the fact that his letter sounded so remorseful and apologetic....yet the letter he wrote to the administration at my school sounded so accusing and defamatory. I just do not know what to think of him right now. I mean, if he really cared about me, wouldn't he have written me sooner to see how I was? I constantly wonder what destiny has in store for me. Whether I am to be a consevatory music educator with a doctorate degree or a computer analyst, or an English professor. The possibilities are endless. I have so many interests, and I feel as though time is running out. Do I have to make my decision so soon? And what is to happen to my social life? Where will all my friends go, and who will they be? Will my natural existence turn out to be an imprecation, a constant line of disappointments....will I get married, will I have children, will I be happy? Is my husband going to deceive me and want a divorce? AND WHO THE FLUCK IS HE GOING TO BE??! I know that I am getting way ahead of myself here, but I cannot even begin to fathom the depths of my worry. I am not as worried about the love department as I am everything else. I am content with my romantic desires, so to speak, and I know things will come in time. It's just my career that is urking me. I mean, there are just some people who are DESTINED to lead lives of irksome android individuals or food-service workers. Wait, that was redundant. Aren't they the same thing pretty much? Hehe. Sorry, that was piss-poor. But pretty goddam funny! Enough of that. Yesterday I hung out with Leith and Nathan. It was sooo much fun! I hadn't seen Leith in a long time, and the combination of the three of us is indescribable! We never run out of things to say and things to do. It was cool, and although I am sad that Leith had to go back to college so soon, I am really glad we got together. We went to Tower Records for a while, saw Rush Hour with Chris Tucker in it ("Ah don't givva FUUUUCK"), then we ate at North China (a REALLY awesome restaurant). We spent the whole morning and afternoon together, and when I got home, Ryan Tracy and I decided to go out for dessert at Dilletante Chocolates (I had the Tiramisu this time...mmmm) so that was cool seeing him. He's going to be my date for the Halloween party I'm going to next week. I'm going to be a Flapper from the 20's, hopefully he'll be wearin' a Zoot Suit! :) I watched Amadeus last week for the first time. That movie was so immeasurably inspirational. It really made me realize how much I tend to over-use the phrase "musical genius..." WOW! That guy had ears of steel! And I thought _my_ ears were good! Sigh. More later...:)Love, Joanna |