(November 12, 1998)

I feel like I am going to throw up.
And it's not from the fish sticks I just ate, either.
...Okay, well, those were pretty damn gross. Maybe I am a little nauseated from that.
The point is, I just got a phone call from Nathan that made me pretty ill. He told me that because of his suing the Edmonds School district and the whole trial thing that is going on, I have to be interviewed. AGAIN. The whole investigation is starting. AGAIN. Just as I was beginning to get on with my life, I have to go through the same shit that plagued my existence for nearly four months.
Oh please God....please give me respite. PLEASE. I am so emotionally drained. I am so sick of being made a spectacle of, I am sick of my life being put on display for everyone's enjoyment. Why can't I have a normal life like everyone else? Why do I have these problems? How did I get myself into this mess? I haven't felt this heart-wrenchingly awful in a long time. I keep telling myself that all of this is happening for a reason, that it is necessary, and that it will be worth it in the end....but right now it just doesn't seem worth it at all. At ALL. I don't want to have anything to do with it anymore. I wish I had new surroundings, new friends, a new beginning. And I know that is an awful thing to wish...because I know there are people around me who care for me, but why the hell am I getting such a shitty deal here? TELL ME GOD WHAT IS IT THAT I DID WRONG??? PLEASE TELL ME SO THAT I CAN FIX IT!! I don't want to be punished....I don't want to hurt anymore. What good is life if you cannot enjoy it?? I want....I want a denouement. Rest. Even nothingness would be better. Anything than this. My life is Hell on Earth.
And I keep thinking of how Nathan must be feeling. Especially after the message I left on his voicemail in response to his message. I just basically said, very indignantly, that I wanted nothing to do with it anymore and I didn't want to participate. He probably feels like absolute shit right about now. But there is nothing I can do. I cannot deny my lack of wanting participation in this. And I'm sure he doesn't really want to go through this too, but God DAMN it, I will do anything to get out of this. God, please don't let them hurt Nathan and I again. Please. PLEASE.

The confusion, madness, fury, and despondency I feel right now is absolutely unbearable. My soul feels purged again; but not in a positive sense. It has been exposed to this hateful, cruel, sham and drudgery-filled Earth once again, once again to be ostracized and ridiculed. There is no one on in this world who I can seemingly trust anymore. No one. I am so alone.

Searching for the truth,
Joanna

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